We geeks and gamers are humans and many, if not most, are very sexual beings (we love our Ace friends, though).
But the inaccurate info from guys in places like like a World of Warcraft trade chat (some of them, sadly are not trolling) let us know just how much our male counterparts need to learn about sex and the female body. What’s sad is that these same guys will also make the most sexist and ignorant remarks. But that’s a topic for another day. Right now, we just want to our nerdy guy friends, young and old, learn something about our bodies and dispel some of the myths and misconceptions about sex. So let’s start from the beginning, shall we.
Let’s find the clitoris.
There is no such thing as a “normal” vagina. We received our ideas about what looks normal based on what men find attractive in porn. And when people talk about how a “vagina” looks, they’re usually talking about the labia or “vaginal lips.” The Labia come in different shapes, sizes and colors.
As you can see in the picture, the labia majora or “lips” are the fleshy, outer skin of the vulva. The clitoris is that little bean-like area and, like the labia, comes in different sizes.
Sex is fun and full of possibilities. But your first time having sex can be a bit awkward and intimidating. So being nervous about your first time having sex is totally normal. Wondering if it’s going to hurt, if you’ll bleed and wondering if you’ll be good or bad. Ugh!
Don’t fret! Here are a few things to help you have a pleasure-filled and safe first sexual experience.
Ladies (and Gents), Explore your body first.
In the wise words of RuPaul, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gon’ love somebody else?” Masturbation is your personal pleasure-treasure map. Aside from it feeling amazing, masturbation helps you to be comfortable with your own body. It helps you to be more sexually confident by learning what turns you on. When you learn what your body likes, you’re able to better communicate with your partner what he or she can do to please you.
Forget about the myths.
One myth that’s been tossed around since, probably the beginning of time is “You’re going to bleed a lot.” The truth is, you may bleed a little. You may not bleed at all. Everyone’s body is different. If your partner is more experienced than you, then he likely knows the possibility of bleeding and isn’t worried about it. Try your best to relax. People worry about bleeding because they don’t want to be embarrassed. There’s absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. So don’t worry about bleeding.
Another myth is that vaginal penetration sex is going to hurt really bad. This myth was basically started as a way to control women and their sexuality. Here’s the thing--you’re going to feel some pressure and a little pain, but it should not hurt if you’re really turned on and self-lubricated.
These two myths are based on misconceptions about breaking the hymen or “popping the cherry”. These misconceptions allow men to disregard the need to be gentle because they expect to break the hymen. And through the patriarchal influence of male-dominated porn, a misconception associated with this is “stretching out the vagina” with a “big penis.” No. Please, stop yourselves. Just…just stop. Listen. The vagina is very elastic. What people don’t know (or didn’t pay attention to in health class) is that the hymen doesn’t exactly break. It stretches. Oh, and not every girl is born with a hymen.
Condoms get such a bad rap. Some guys complain that condoms take away from the feeling of pleasure and that they aren’t 100% effective against pregnancy and STIs. While no form of contraception is 100% effective against pregnancy or STIs, condoms are the most effective with a 99% prevention rate when used properly.
Also, with technological advances in the condom industry, there is a condom for virtually every type of sexual need. Trojan Sensitivity Thintensity is designed to give guys a more natural feeling. It’s also one of the top rated ultra thin condoms by Men’s Health. And because pregnancy can occur during your very first time having sex, don’t fall for the “I’ll just pull out” nonsense. Don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about condoms beforehand. Shopping for condoms can be quite fun and educational. And remember, if your partner does not want to wear a condom for your health and safety, then he or she will probably not be a lover that is attentive to your body’s needs. Make no mistake, safe sex should be a part of self care.
Don’t try to attempt scenes from pornos.
Scenes from adult films are actually not very romantic. While the acting from adult films seem absolutely horrible, the actors are professionals. Those “ooohs, aaahs and oh yeahs” are scripted and what he or she is feeling from difficult positions may not be that pleasurable. So take it slow. Do not try to be a professional your very first time.
The foreplay magic equation: the wetter the better.
Let’s get something straight. Television and film make first-time sex seem so easy. Two people decide they’re ready to “go all the way” and next thing you know, they kiss for a few seconds then BOOM, they’re having sex and it’s magical. That is not how it works. Most women, especially for their first time will not be vaginally ready after only a few seconds of kissing. Women need more than a few pecks to get wet.
Speaking of “wet”...Foreplay is the magical, missing equation that television and film leave out. And unfortunately, too many people discount foreplay as a waste of time when it’s anything but! Foreplay isn’t just a segway to having sex. For women, foreplay is what gets women wet, allowing the vagina to produce the natural lubricant that makes vaginal penetration less painful and oh so enjoyable for both you and your partner.
But don’t go straight to playing with the clitoris or penis. Play with your partner’s hair. Nibble on his neck. Touch his chest. Play with her breasts--gently. Foreplay isn’t just about physical touching. Talking dirty can definitely be a form of foreplay and helps with better communication. Be vocally playful. If your partner is touching you in just the right spot, don’t be afraid to say, “I like that” or “That feels amazing”. Verbal confirmation can do wonders for the ego!
Lube is magic.
No, seriously. Lube is a magical invention that serves a multitude of purposes to enhance your sexual experience. Oral lubricants with different flavors can definitely add some WOW to foreplay. But most importantly, lube makes vaginal and anal sex slicker, easier and less painful. Lube helps with vaginal dryness, whether dryness is due to a medical complication or otherwise. Although, if you don’t have a medical condition and your vagina isn’t self-lubricating (meaning you’re not turned on), then you need more foreplay. But if you’re just not getting turned on, it’s perfectly okay to not be ready. There is no rush. There is NOTHING WRONG WITH SAYING NO IF YOU’RE NOT READY.
Size really doesn’t matter.
In the 1960s Masters and Johnson “looked at 100 women who had never been pregnant and found that vagina lengths, unstimulated, range from 2.75 inches to about 3¼ inches. When a woman is aroused, it increased to 4.25 inches to 4.75 inches.” And after sex, the vagina goes back to its normal size.
The vaginal path or birth canal ranges in length for different women. Having a long “or deeper” birth canal is not a sign of a ‘loose’ woman. That seems to be a common insult based on pure ignorance of the female body.
Remember, your first time having sex is about you, your safety and your pleasure. There is no right time that you have to have sex by. So don’t think of sex as a chore that must be done before you turn a certain age. And don’t think of having sex for the first time as “losing” something. You’re not losing anything. You’re gaining an experience. But it’s your body. And when you are ready, your body will tell you.
Do you have any advice? Share with us what you wish you knew then that you know now.